After a fierce and ham-handedly Tolkienesque struggle through the frozen halls and o’er the ramparts of our greatest enemy’s impregnable (unless you happen to have a tiny wooden ram) bastion of power, the impossible has, at last, been achieved.

Professor Putricide, Lord of the Plague Wing (or whatever the fuck it’s called now), lies battered and defeated at our triumphant feet (our feet did most of the legwork). Plus, we killed Arthas.

“Tweren’t easy,” quips SPG spokesman, Bebum, about the victory. “First off, we had a tanker of keystone and ain’t nobody knew thing one about pumpin’ ‘er, so right there you got a clogged up hose. Then we break a 15 knive anhydrous toolbar into 3 sections to allow their insight to be able to automatically shut off the different sections independently to prevent overlappin’; the moisture was still at 18%, and we don’t take it at our elevator until it’s at 15%. Also the monster had a fair amount of cob rot in it which means dockage.”

Shaking his head in bemusement as he walks away, the enigmatic Bebum turns back to add, “Today we soil sampled 50 acres at a dairy farm. Tomorrow, it’ll be 45 acres along the interstate.” That having been said, he turns into a deer and trots off in search of marinade.

“I don’t really understand anything that was just said,” adds Cashis, SPG’s Public Relations Director. “However, I think it’s more than fair to say that Bebum speaks to the very heart of SPG and that his sentiments, however incomprehensible, are an accurate depiction of the overall mood of the guild as of right now.”

When asked for his thoughts about challenges on SPG’s horizon, he pauses, suddenly uncertain. “I’m really having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that Bebum is now a self-marinating deer,” he says. “That’s really fucking with me, big time.”

But what is on the horizon for SPG? Now that Putricide is down, I would expect us to clear the rest of ICC (except that we already did), and eventually down Arthas (which just happened). What challenges do such menaces as the Blood Queen of the San’layn and the Frost Wyrm Matriarch hold? There’s no way to know (except that we do, because we already killed them, plus the guy after them). I sure can’t wait to (already have) find (found) out.

Also, it is February (April).

In other news:

Our tanks keep exploding.

Which is to say our tanks keep quitting the game, smashing their authenticators, or getting deployed to shoot at real tanks in much hotter countries. All we’ve got left (as of very soon) are Suicidepally and Gansal (pictured below).

This creates problems, as we both des- and requ- ire more than two tanks on our roster. Point being that if you are looking for a guild, think you could stand taking sometimes startlingly brilliant orders from myself and my contemporaries, and like it when stuff  hurts you for fifteen minutes at a stretch, then

(Look under the banner with the hot model in our t-shirt, click the forums link, register, go to the Recruitment forum, and be sure to read ALL of the sticky post at the top.)

Now seeing as how I’m 99% sure I’ll be set on fire and rolled into a pit full of heat-triggered torture bombs if I end this without posting at least a foot and a half of quotes, I will now post at least a foot and a half of quotes.  Things whose names include “torture” are, at least for me, powerful motivators.

Vanity, thy name is SPG.

Thanks for hanging, folks. I’ll holla atchy’all lataz.

SPG has a long history of under-manning content. Not that I’m bragging- it probably has more to do with the fact that we ostracize and belittle people over the slightest personality defects than it does excessive skill. Still, that very tendency to sacrifice full raids for the ability to not play with annoying douchebag lootwhores has also made us into a cheerful and tightknit, if chronically under-sized, crew of monster-slayers. From our very first 34-man Lucifron kill, through BWL and AQ and Naxx, through TBC, through the first few tiers of Wrath, we’ve tried to ride that ever-so-fine line of having enough people on board to kill shit, but not so many that we’re forced to raid with dickbags. Always aware that, on a dying server like Kael’thas, our efforts would ever be a long and painful exercise in the delaying of the inevitable.

Well, recently we found ourselves trying to 20-man Heroic ToC, and realized that the inevitable could be delayed no longer. After much scouting around, some very long-winded explanation, and at least one member attempting (unsuccessfully) to counter-recruit from under us as we transferred, we finally made the move to our new home, Ysera.

I’ll cut to the chase. Now that we’re off of Kael’thas we’re filling raids and killing monstarz. Since my last post, we’ve gotten Tribute to Mad Skill in H10 and thwomped Beasts, Jaraxxus, Champs, and Twins in H25. And for once, we took a real killshot!

We’ve also recently discovered that sometimes recruits can be both retarded and hilarious. I’m not sure whether to chalk this up to luck, the hatred of a deity, or just the fact that we have absolutely zero reputation on Ysera (compared to having been a fixture on KT for three years), but a good 50% of the applicants that we’ve gotten since showing up on Ysera have been assholes, lootwhores, or dramaqueens. Seriously, we’ve had more kids try to stir up drama in our guild in the last month than in the past two years combined.

I won’t bore anyone with tales of the caps-lock-arguing, when-can-I-get-loot-ing, why-can’t-I-bring-my-alt-ing, I-just-watched-a-strat-video-ing, you-should-run-your-successful-for-years-raiding-guild-the-way-my-old-guild-that-failed-after-two-months-was-run-ing, my-emotions-feel-frowny-ing, never-show-up-to-raids-ing foolios we’ve had to give the boot to recently. Suffice it to say that, had I been harboring any aspirations of working as a therapist for emotionally disturbed junior high school students, those aspirations would now have been completely and utterly obliterated.

But, bright side! The other 50% of our new blood are the kind of applicants you don’t get on Kael’thas, because players of this caliber would already by comprising the 5-10 man talent core of a moderately successful guild over there. Really, just some fantastic players, and some really fun people.

Great question! With the undeniable epic-ness and holy-shit-ocity of Icecrown looming just over the horizon, we’re hitting the drawing board and revving up our excitement-mo-trons. For now, this takes the form of excitedly linking each other videos from the PTR and throwing swords and fireballs at Heroic Anub. Despite some setbacks on the latter (our only block tank taking time off for midterm prep) I don’t expect to be tied up there for too long, and with the PTR testing looking like it’s about to enter the “everything is pretty much tuned and concrete” phase, I imagine much of our energies over the next couple weeks will be going into strategy development for the upcoming pinnacle tier of Wrath raiding. Rev rev!

So anyway, really looking forward to finally getting the eff out of good-for-nothing insult-to-our-intelligence ToC. Why? Take a look at the post just below this one, it’s all exhaustingly explained there.

And now to pander to the masses. Soul? Nope, never heard of it.

Alright folks, I’ll talk to you again real soon, in Icecrown. Until then, keep it crescent fresh.