Hard Modes Out The Wazoo!

Since the last update, we’ve downed Ragnaros (of course), as well as five of the first six Firelands heroics: Shannox, Rhyolith, Fandral, Beth, and Baleroc, in that order.  Alys got to ~30% before we lost an interrupter and had to put it on the back burner, but she’s up next and shouldn’t take too long to finish up considering the amount of work we’ve put into her so far.

Why are these frontpage updates so short, you ask?  Global warming.


SPG Kills Firescorpioncat Man

And resists making a number of staggeringly bad Morrowgrain puns.  You’d thank me, if you only knew.


SPG kills Fire, Fire, Fire, Fire, and Fire.

I was getting sick of looking at my own crude drawring of a boss we killed months ago, so here’s an update!

In our first few days of playing around in Firelands we’ve managed to kill the first five bosses, most of which are made of fire.  They probably have names, too.  Anyway, they’re dead.



Cho Em Gee and other parables (or: A Nef, Already!)

Fresh on the heels of Cho-ing monstar after monstar who’s boss, SPG Cho-se to Cho ahead with a Cho-ordinated assault on the Cho-nly monstar remaining in the Bastion of Twilight, whose name I can’t Cho-member at the moment.  Successfully Cho-king him out, SPG proceeded to Cho-re up morale by performing a highly Cho-reographed dance number with the working title of Cho Me The Way (To Your Heart), accompanied by a Cho-rus of Cho-mely Cho-raliers.

“Cho what, Q?  Who cares about your dance routines?”

Cho buttons on your underwear, Straw Man.

We killed all of that crap.  (Bonus points if you can figure out what is who, and why!)

Meanwhile, we made the same mistake that all mortals make.  In our rush to glory, we assumed that the pace of the game revolved around our actions.  Blah blah etc. etc. the grand game of life that we thought we played actually played us, we killed a mouthy dragon.  Here, look!

So, as is implied by all these dead bosses, we are raiding Cataclysm thangs.  How exciting!

We started out this expansion with a highly unorthodox double 10-man rotating rosters type of a schedule, which was perfect for the number of people we had playing with us, even if it made getting all of the necessary raid buffs into a raid kind of a hassle.  But inevitably, the normal New Expansion Is A Few Months Old Flakeage has struck, and we were forced to cut back to a single primary progression 10-man.  Not tons of fun for everyone, since our roster still had ~15 people on it, but it’s less of an administrative headache for me than running two 10′s, which I know we can all appreciate!

Since cutting back, though, we’ve continued killing crap, including both Nefarian and Heroic Halfus this week.  As usual, the kills involved a lot of dying, swearing, shouting, blaming each other loudly, and then finally rallying for the kill and joining hands in song as we danced upon the corpse of our foe.  While the dancing and victory was certainly nice, the highlight of the evenings would, of course, remain the inspiration and near-religious fervor with which the profanity was delivered.  Really fine,  groundbreaking stuff.  Not going to share it with you.  :(

Next up:  Heroic Chimaeron, Heroic Atramedes, Heroic bitching about 10 man heroics being balanced around group stacking.  The next two should go down quick, but that last one we’ll probably be revisiting for months to come.

Finally, and most importantly, this guy:


Seeya in a year for the next update!


…OR AM I!?



SPG: Wooo, Putricide Down! Also, Arthas.

After a fierce and ham-handedly Tolkienesque struggle through the frozen halls and o’er the ramparts of our greatest enemy’s impregnable (unless you happen to have a tiny wooden ram) bastion of power, the impossible has, at last, been achieved.

Professor Putricide, Lord of the Plague Wing (or whatever the fuck it’s called now), lies battered and defeated at our triumphant feet (our feet did most of the legwork). Plus, we killed Arthas.

“Tweren’t easy,” quips SPG spokesman, Bebum, about the victory. “First off, we had a tanker of keystone and ain’t nobody knew thing one about pumpin’ ‘er, so right there you got a clogged up hose. Then we break a 15 knive anhydrous toolbar into 3 sections to allow their insight to be able to automatically shut off the different sections independently to prevent overlappin’; the moisture was still at 18%, and we don’t take it at our elevator until it’s at 15%. Also the monster had a fair amount of cob rot in it which means dockage.”

Shaking his head in bemusement as he walks away, the enigmatic Bebum turns back to add, “Today we soil sampled 50 acres at a dairy farm. Tomorrow, it’ll be 45 acres along the interstate.” That having been said, he turns into a deer and trots off in search of marinade.

“I don’t really understand anything that was just said,” adds Cashis, SPG’s Public Relations Director. “However, I think it’s more than fair to say that Bebum speaks to the very heart of SPG and that his sentiments, however incomprehensible, are an accurate depiction of the overall mood of the guild as of right now.”

When asked for his thoughts about challenges on SPG’s horizon, he pauses, suddenly uncertain. “I’m really having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that Bebum is now a self-marinating deer,” he says. “That’s really fucking with me, big time.”

But what is on the horizon for SPG? Now that Putricide is down, I would expect us to clear the rest of ICC (except that we already did), and eventually down Arthas (which just happened). What challenges do such menaces as the Blood Queen of the San’layn and the Frost Wyrm Matriarch hold? There’s no way to know (except that we do, because we already killed them, plus the guy after them). I sure can’t wait to (already have) find (found) out.

Also, it is February (April).

In other news:

Our tanks keep exploding.

Which is to say our tanks keep quitting the game, smashing their authenticators, or getting deployed to shoot at real tanks in much hotter countries. All we’ve got left (as of very soon) are Suicidepally and Gansal (pictured below).

This creates problems, as we both des- and requ- ire more than two tanks on our roster. Point being that if you are looking for a guild, think you could stand taking sometimes startlingly brilliant orders from myself and my contemporaries, and like it when stuff  hurts you for fifteen minutes at a stretch, then

(Look under the banner with the hot model in our t-shirt, click the forums link, register, go to the Recruitment forum, and be sure to read ALL of the sticky post at the top.)

Now seeing as how I’m 99% sure I’ll be set on fire and rolled into a pit full of heat-triggered torture bombs if I end this without posting at least a foot and a half of quotes, I will now post at least a foot and a half of quotes.  Things whose names include “torture” are, at least for me, powerful motivators.

Vanity, thy name is SPG.

Thanks for hanging, folks. I’ll holla atchy’all lataz.


SPG: Ysera, and Killing Stuff

SPG has a long history of under-manning content. Not that I’m bragging- it probably has more to do with the fact that we ostracize and belittle people over the slightest personality defects than it does excessive skill. Still, that very tendency to sacrifice full raids for the ability to not play with annoying douchebag lootwhores has also made us into a cheerful and tightknit, if chronically under-sized, crew of monster-slayers. From our very first 34-man Lucifron kill, through BWL and AQ and Naxx, through TBC, through the first few tiers of Wrath, we’ve tried to ride that ever-so-fine line of having enough people on board to kill shit, but not so many that we’re forced to raid with dickbags. Always aware that, on a dying server like Kael’thas, our efforts would ever be a long and painful exercise in the delaying of the inevitable.

Well, recently we found ourselves trying to 20-man Heroic ToC, and realized that the inevitable could be delayed no longer. After much scouting around, some very long-winded explanation, and at least one member attempting (unsuccessfully) to counter-recruit from under us as we transferred, we finally made the move to our new home, Ysera.

I’ll cut to the chase. Now that we’re off of Kael’thas we’re filling raids and killing monstarz. Since my last post, we’ve gotten Tribute to Mad Skill in H10 and thwomped Beasts, Jaraxxus, Champs, and Twins in H25. And for once, we took a real killshot!

We’ve also recently discovered that sometimes recruits can be both retarded and hilarious. I’m not sure whether to chalk this up to luck, the hatred of a deity, or just the fact that we have absolutely zero reputation on Ysera (compared to having been a fixture on KT for three years), but a good 50% of the applicants that we’ve gotten since showing up on Ysera have been assholes, lootwhores, or dramaqueens. Seriously, we’ve had more kids try to stir up drama in our guild in the last month than in the past two years combined.

I won’t bore anyone with tales of the caps-lock-arguing, when-can-I-get-loot-ing, why-can’t-I-bring-my-alt-ing, I-just-watched-a-strat-video-ing, you-should-run-your-successful-for-years-raiding-guild-the-way-my-old-guild-that-failed-after-two-months-was-run-ing, my-emotions-feel-frowny-ing, never-show-up-to-raids-ing foolios we’ve had to give the boot to recently. Suffice it to say that, had I been harboring any aspirations of working as a therapist for emotionally disturbed junior high school students, those aspirations would now have been completely and utterly obliterated.

But, bright side! The other 50% of our new blood are the kind of applicants you don’t get on Kael’thas, because players of this caliber would already by comprising the 5-10 man talent core of a moderately successful guild over there. Really, just some fantastic players, and some really fun people.

Great question! With the undeniable epic-ness and holy-shit-ocity of Icecrown looming just over the horizon, we’re hitting the drawing board and revving up our excitement-mo-trons. For now, this takes the form of excitedly linking each other videos from the PTR and throwing swords and fireballs at Heroic Anub. Despite some setbacks on the latter (our only block tank taking time off for midterm prep) I don’t expect to be tied up there for too long, and with the PTR testing looking like it’s about to enter the “everything is pretty much tuned and concrete” phase, I imagine much of our energies over the next couple weeks will be going into strategy development for the upcoming pinnacle tier of Wrath raiding. Rev rev!

So anyway, really looking forward to finally getting the eff out of good-for-nothing insult-to-our-intelligence ToC. Why? Take a look at the post just below this one, it’s all exhaustingly explained there.

And now to pander to the masses. Soul? Nope, never heard of it.

Alright folks, I’ll talk to you again real soon, in Icecrown. Until then, keep it crescent fresh.


SPG Rants About ToC, Sucks At Updating Its Front Page

Because, honestly, look what I’m working with. Remember Sartharion, the encounter with no lead-up, no follow-up, no explanation, no nothing? That was an epic saga of love, hate, betrayal, heroism, and ribaldry likely to leave you writhing in a fit of alternating tears and orgasms, compared to ToC.

What the fuck is right. Join me on a quick tour of raid tiers, and their significance, in the past.

Tier 1: Molten Core. The climax of the story of the Dark Iron Dwarves, in which we finally confront the evil force behind their twisted empire on its home turf: the fiery center of Azeroth’s largest (only? never you mind) volcano, infested with the denizens of the infernal realm of molten flame attempting to awaken their evil master, the Firelord Ragnaros. If Ragnaros is not stopped now, all of Azeroth will be consumed by the flame.

Tier 2: Onyxia, Blackwing Lair. While the daughter of Deathwing rules the kingdom of Stormwind in human guise, her brother amasses an army of brutal orcs, dark dragons, and experimental new breeds of draconian horror with which to conquer the world. Unmasked, Onyxia escapes to her lair deep in the Marshes of Dustwallow, where the hordes of draconic children she has spawned swarm to devour any foolish enough to pursue. Meanwhile, Nefarian watches from his perch above Blackrock Spire, impregnable fastness of the Dark Horde, as his minions gather for their final assault upon the dominion of mortals. Do there exist among those mortals any bold enough to strike back, or is this Azeroth’s final hour? BWAHAHAHAHA!

Tier 2.5: Ahn’Qiraj. (Yes, point five. Keep that in mind.) Deep within the forgotten sands of Silithus, an ancient evil remembered only by the immortal stirs. The eldritch God of Evil, C’thun, has weakened the bindings shackling him in the heart of the world and resurrected his ancient servants, the Qiraji. Hidden and protected behind the very walls meant to keep them imprisoned, the Qiraji and their Dark God now prepare to restart a thousand year old war to exterminate all life on Azeroth. Only by reassembling an artifact sundered in antiquity and releasing the Qiraji from their prison do the mortal races stand any chance of winning this war, and to do so they must unite as one and pierce through the Qiraji hordes to the center of their power, there to assault the Dark God of Evil himself before he is able to break free and plunge the world once more into eternal night. Holy fucking shit.

Tier 3: Naxxramas. As the denizens of Azeroth struggle to recover from the near-destruction of their world, the sun is blotted out by a swarm of floating Necropolises teeming with the undead, an overwhelming invasion force of the Scourge, the frost of Northrend still clinging to their edifices. As wave after wave of the undead break over the defenses of the kingdoms of the living, threatening to cover Azeroth forever in the chill of the grave, a small band of heroes must take the ultimate risk, penetrating the great Necropolis of Naxxramas and seeking out the Archlich Kel’Thuzad, engineer of the Scourge Invasion, second in stature only to the Lich King himself. It will take a miracle to overwhelm the defenses of Naxxramas, but unless the greatest of the Lich King’s servants can be defeated, death will rule Azeroth forever. Omgah.

It used to be that a content patch was the whole package. Epic backstory, world in peril, exciting and extravagant scapes of fantasy and horror, and finally a legendary battle against a force that, unless defeated in this very battle, will destroy all life and happiness and kittens and everything. It was an entire saga unto itself. Sometimes there was an entire new tier of gear to collect along the way, but sometimes (AQ) there wasn’t. Tier 2 was all the more epic for it.

And then Blizzard stopped writing their story in terms of content patches and began writing it in terms of expansions. Take a look at the raiding tiers in TBC real quick.

Tier 4: Karazhan, Gruul, Mags. Hey, we think there’s a demon living in this tower that sort of used to belong to us, will you get him out of there? Oh and there’s this monster up in some mountains where no one lives who likes to eat the dragons who like to eat us, maybe you should kill him so the dragons will eat us more. Also the evil orcs who mostly keep to themselves in that wasteland up there have a pet demon, maybe you should set it free and then kill it. Erm, because, that’s why. Demons and monsters suck, amirite?

Tier 5: SSC, TK. Oh my fuck, there are snakes draining a nearby swamp! Unless you kill them, the entire fish population of the bayou could die! Plus, an elf stole a spaceship from the wind-chime aliens you’ve never heard of before, why don’t you get it back for them? I mean, it’s not like the world is in peril, what else have you got to do?

Tier 6: Hyjal, BT. Man, those fish and wind-chime aliens were pretty grateful. NOW LET’S GO BACK IN FUCKIN TIME! Oh, no reason, it just sounds cool, you don’t actually change the outcome (we won that war anyway, go us!), but there is seriously nobody threatening the world, and you look bored as shit. Oh, Illidan, the crazy guy who’s locked himself in a shitty castle nobody lives near and just sits in it all day being crazy? I don’t really think he’s a threat per s- er, I mean no, you’re right, he’s about to *cough* destroy the world, or something. Go kill him.

Tier 6.5: Sunwell Plateau. While the armies of Azeroth are off FOR NO GOOD REASON ON ANOTHER PLANET DICKING AROUND, Kil’jaeden the Deceiver, Eredar Lord of the Burning Legion, begins to open a portal into Azeroth through the remnants of the Sunwell. Demons swarm over the high home of the elves, burning shit and enslaving dragons, preparing for the moment when their master will follow them through the portal and herald a new age of flame and nothingness for Azeroth. Against all odds, the heroes and armies of Azeroth return to the planet they live on just in time to battle their way through the demonic hordes of the Sunwell Plateau and reach the Sunwell itself just as Kil’jaeden begins to pass through and, using some random-feeling shit that turns them into dragons, they push him back through. He’s not, you know, dead, but he’s definitely not coming through this portal.

Okay, fine, Q, if you say it like that, it sounds stupid. But these weren’t supposed to be individual stories like pre-TBC tiers, it was all part of one larger tale about the interconnectivity of the Illidan and Burning Legion storylines and the latter’s plan to use the resources of the former (Kael) to invade Azeroth again. See? Backstory, world in peril, strange new scapes, and ultimately a battle against a terrible force that, unless destroyed right this second, will end all life. Fits all criteria.

Yes, that’s my point. Unlike the self-contained epic sagas of pre-TBC, the content tiers in TBC were chapters of a larger story. But, leaving aside arguments about whether that larger story even held up to the original sagas of pre-TBC, do you remember how unsatisfying it was along the way? How purposeless and discardable Kara, Gruul, Mags, SSC, TK, and Hyjal felt when you were doing them? Black Temple sort of wrapped up a story and was a pretty epic instance, and Sunwell provided the “oh, so that’s what this story is about” moment for the expansion, but everything up to then? After saving the entire world four times in a row 10 levels ago, spending months and months assaulting some sort-of-a-threat villain’s lieutenants on another planet was a pretty big letdown.

So, Wrath. Starts out a little stronger. First, we’re back on our planet, which is once again in peril. Second, the over-arching story and ultimate villain of said story are clear from the start, so the mincey lieutenant-killing we do along the way doesn’t seem like a complete non sequitur. Still, there are problems.

Tier 7: Naxx, Malygos, Sarth. Remember when you guys saved the world that fourth time? Well yeah, you didn’t, actually an npc did that. Plus, the exact same dungeon is now attacking a city, and you have to go do the exact same shit you (didn’t) do a few years ago again. All because (not you) didn’t destroy a phylactery, which you, being wiser, also don’t do this time. Plus another dragon has gone crazy, and you have to go kill him while he yells arrogantly but emptily at you. Also plus, you can sneak into a dragon portal underneath a dragon temple and, without any prompting or a hint of guilt, slaughter the dragon you find there as well as the children it is protecting. You know, if you want. No reason to. But you could.

Tier 8: Ulduar. There is an exception to every rule. Out of nowhere, a tier of content that is, once again, its own self-contained epic saga. An ancient prison broken, its ancient warden driven mad by the whisperings of the God of Death. Beneath the snowy peaks of the northern reaches, the world’s oldest evil gathers, its jailors turned to pawns, its prison made a fortress. The forces of the epic floating magic city ally with the heroes of Azeroth to battle to the center of the ancient Titan compound of Ulduar, free its guardians from their corruption, sidestep the deceptions of Yogg’Saron and, with the help of the ancient Titan Wardens, slay the God of Death. Meanwhile, the Titans have sent their herald to Azeroth to determine whether it should be destroyed. He determines it should, until the champions of the mortal races penetrate to Ulduar’s secret chambers, fight him, and convince to spare them as well as to feel remorse for the thousands of planets he’s condemned to the fire in the past. Epic, and satisfying. The best story yet.

Wow, Ulduar! I have to admit, my hopes are pretty high, maybe content patches actually mean something again! Let’s see what’s up next…

Oh, balls!

Tier 9: ToC. You ready for something truly epic? How about a raiding tier that is comprised of a single room, a few supremely uninspired and story-less encounters, and absolutely no danger to anything. World in peril? It’s a goddamn tournament, wherein you fight to prove (because killing some animals, a demon, doing some pvp, and killing a few trash mobs > saving the world 7 or 8 times) that you’re worthy of doing the actual fighting to save the world. Remember when you saved the world that third time, and it wasn’t quite worth calling it a new raiding tier? This one instance, with one room, five meaningless bosses, and absolutely zero lasting story events, apparently is.

Welcome to Tier 9, where heroism is just a spell. FFS.